Fear of Worthlessness

As I lie in bed during the last few days of my exchange, I cannot fall asleep. This time, it isn't the excessive noise. It isn't the cold, nor the cups of tea I drank before going to bed. What keeps me awake is a fear that is guaranteed to send chills down the spine of any man who has though about his future. It is the fear of living a mediocre life.

The past few weeks I have been thinking about what my life will be like once I go home. I'm graduating soon and I have to make an important decision. Do I continue studying in my field? Do I start another bachelors degree? Do I just find a job with my newly acquired diploma? Do I open my own business? If I continue studying in my field or get a job right away, I'm guaranteed a life of semi-passive corporate work. Regardless of whether or not I work for a large company, I can't help the feeling that when I get old and look back at my life, I will have achieved nothing. Sure, I might have helped a company grow. I might have even helped people (if I work for a non-lucrative organisation). Will that be satisfying though? Will I be able to look back and say: "that time was not wasted". I will have done nothing, created nothing with my hands. I will have been just another organism in this ridiculous system we call society. Why can't I just be normal?

Often, when you ask for advice during an existential crisis, savvy people will tell you to picture yourself doing something you like. Unfortunately for me, I have quite the imagination and if I try, I can picture myself doing pretty much anything. Sure, I have hobbies: camping, fishing, language learning, coin collecting... None of these seem economically viable options. There is one thing, however, that keeps reoccurring. When I'm asked to picture a happy life: I think of a cabin in the woods. A cozy one, with a fireplace (and internet of course). I see a husky sitting by my side as I add wood to the fireplace and sip on my tea. It's cold outside, snowy. I'm not sure I want this though. This is merely an image of what I think happiness should be, not what happiness is.

I feel lost, I don't know what to do. Starting a new bachelor's degree feels like running away from the problem - postponing it to the future me. That future me will have the same problem in 3 years when he finishes yet another bachelor's degree. The idea of working in an office from 9 to 5 is repulsive. The idea of starting a business is scary (especially considering the business idea is lacking). The idea of doing a masters in IT is revolting - I clearly have little interest in this domain.

Even worse is the feeling that this exchange was but a holiday. I've made no serious connections. The main lesson I've learned is that I probably shouldn't move to Europe. I've learned very little in my courses. However, I do not regret it. I left my comfort zone and visited many countries. That was something I didn't think I was capable of, and I will for sure share my stories in Europe many times. That doesn't make me special. Lots of people go on exchange. Some even go to less comfortable locations.

I can only hope that tomorrow I will wake up with answers.

Messy Education, 'Overfeminism' and Liberal Brainwashing in Sweden

I never though that I would say this, but I think the teaching methods in Canada are better than in Sweden. In Canada, it is common to have a clearly set outline, with set goals for every lecture and assigned readings as preparation. Also, schedules in Canada are fixed from week to week. If you have Programming on Monday in Room 123, you can be sure that you'll have that class in that location for the entire duration of your semester. It isn't the case for Sweden. Class locations and times change from week to week. There are no outlines with clearly set goals. If failed, examinations can be retaken until you pass!? Because of that, students don't seem to be very interested in their classes. There are 60 people enrolled into my Human-Computer Interaction class and only about 10 show up to the lectures. We don't even use any software... It really makes me wonder what kind of professionals Sweden produces as a final result. No wonder they need to take in so many immigrants to run their businesses - Swedish students don't learn anything because of a lack of rigor from the university! Maybe I'm over-exaggerating. Maybe other faculties are different. One thing is certain, management school in Sweden is a joke. 

'Overfeminism'. I coined this term so I get to define it: The over-equalization of the genders to a ridiculous point. Let's face it, physiological differences between men and women make perfect equality impossible. There will always be jobs with more men that are mo suitable for men because they require a high level of physical strength. That isn't to say that women can't do these jobs, some are more than strong enough to be able to do it, but imposing a 50-50 quota is not only stupid, it's dangerous. It's dangerous because to be able to hire more women, standards will be lowered for them. Think about it. How many women who would perform worse than men are taking men's jobs? If were are talking about firefighters, the effects of doing this could be devastating.
Back to Sweden. The first thing I noticed was that in many buildings, there are restrooms that are mixed, restrooms for women only, but no restrooms for men only. Classes start with a warning that women are to be respected and in all examples of disrespect, the offender is a white male. Walk down the street and you'll see that Swedish guys care a lot about their appearance. Funny enough, most of them all look the same: long hair with tons of product in them to make it shiny and 'silky smooth', very tight clothes and skin that makes it clear they use moisturizing cream. If you look at their physiques, the desirable body type seems to be very thin, tall, and clean shaven. If you go to the gym, they are all doing cardio. The weigh-lifting area is dominated by exchange students from Germany. What happened to the Vikings?

I've never seen a more liberal country. I went to a debate about Donald Trump's involvement in East Asia. It was NOT a debate. It was 4 people agreeing on their mutual hatred of the new President. The whole thing felt like a lecture. I was presented with one side, but there was no 'Republican' to defend him. I'm not saying he's a good president, but if you're going to organize a 'debate' there should be two (or more) opposing parties!? Nobody else seemed to notice that. Everyone walked out happy and "more informed".

Nonetheless, I have to reassure you, my dear reader, that I'm enjoying my time here. It's just easier to complain. Maybe my next post will be about what Sweden does well.

Netflix, Virtual Garbage, Porn, and a Worried Brother

It's quite easy to judge my little sister for watching garbage on Netflix. After all, she is watching half promotional shows about dolls and running blue hedgehogs that fight the same robots in the same village for seasons and seasons of short 20-minute animation bullshit. I mean, when was the last time she actually watched a whole movie? When we went to a cinema?

I started doing some introspection to make me feel better, but I actually ended up in a worse state than I was before. I started off by examining what I have been watching. Sure, my episodes of bullshit aren't 20-minutes long, they are 60-minutes long and I watch about 1 and 1/2 of them on a daily basis. We'll get to the 1/2 part later. Essentially, we are watching the same amount of television in minutes, but not in episodes (for those that are bad at math, my sister watches about 4 episodes per day). Now 90 minutes might not seem like much of a big deal. After all, the average American watches about 293 minutes of television on a daily basis. But it's not just television. Before and after I watch my 90 minutes of Netflix, I spend god knows how much time on Youtube. In my defense, I can say that I hardly watch anything but informative videos. The problem is that I'm not really watching them. They are there in the background as white noise that I half assimilate while playing chess or aimlessly browse Facebook, Instagram or some other shitty, addictive platform. Sum it all up and I'm pretty sure I'm well above what the average American consumes in terms of television.

Let's travel back in time a bit. I remember that when I was 10 years old like my sister, watching television was quite a luxury. We had many cassettes and a few DVDs that I would watch over and over. But those were movies. Real movies, like the ones Disney used to make. Movies in which music was written for the movie. I remember watching Lord of the Rings and marveling at Aragorn's strength, Legolas' agility and, much later, Sam's loyalty. I also remember acting out scenes from those movies my swinging my sword at plants, vases, cups... Nothing could stand in the way of the mighty Jedi armed with the cardboard remains of Christmas wrapping paper. There was a time when I had to save up money to buy Ice Age so I could watch it at home.

While remembering these things it finally hit me: People binge on television because it is widely available now. Of course if the 10 year old me was presented with Netflix I'd quickly get bored of Lord of the Rings. Of course I would watch the same garbage that my sister watches. Moreover, this behavior would be reinforced by the fact that my friends would also watch it. So there it is! The problem (if it is a problem, some might disagree) lies in the availability of the resource. So what now? Do I stop watching television and pick up a book for once in my life? Sounds simple, but the problem lies deeper than television.

Has it ever happened to you, that a friend would ask something along the lines of "have you seen that video, where _________________". Most likely, you haven't. Your friend then considers it his duty to show you said video by pulling out his phone and checking messages and notifications on the way. You then spend the next 20 minutes or so, aimlessly watching that video and a couple of others one too. Is that what friendship is now? Is that how I'm supposed to interact with my family members? Most often than not, there comes a point where you don't have anything to say (especially with family and really close friend). Both become uncomfortable with the pause. It seems that we, as individuals, have lost the ability to just be. To do nothing. There is nothing wrong with moments of silence...

Faced with an uncomfortable situation, people pick up their phone and look at memes. I'm guilty of that too. I'm also guilty of sending memes to people to show them that I do think about them, that I care, that I miss them. They become a substitute for articulated emotion, as if people started to communicate by sending each other caricatures of their daily life. I could write "I miss you, let's have some coffee and tell each other stories". Yet I don't. Most people know that social media is bad for their attention span and neck (yes, you're killing yourself by looking down on a screen) and yet nobody acts. People keep using it, aimlessly... like sheep... or drug addicts. Why can't we stop sending each other virtual garbage, and just express our emotion like intelligent creatures.

Speaking of drugs, there is one that is really underrated. It's internet porn and it is really, really present. Just look at some stats. It's not just porn clips of people having sex. It's all those Instagram "models" that post half-naked pictures of themselves. It's all those ads that feature perfectly shaped babes.
"The modern man can see more babes in one sitting than his ancestors in a lifetime" - Gary Wilson
Just like any drug, the more you use it, the more you need to get your high. So you progress into kinkier and kinkier videos until you realize that what used to be exciting is now dull. Girls from your everyday life can't compare to porn actresses. It's not just men that suffer. Young women exposed to porn have a very strange idea of what "normal" sex is. To be correct, most young folk actually have no bloody idea what "normal" sex is. If you don't believe me, go pull down the pants of 100 guys aged between 16 to 21 and you'll see that the vast majority of them have no pubic hair at all (please don't actually do that, and yes I acknowledge that the cited source is the opposite of reliable). Now where did they all get that idea? Oh right, the internet and limitless porn now accessible from any device so you don't have to save those videos for your camping trip. Right, so let's say, even though I've hardly given any evidence, that porn is bad because it alters the perception of sexuality in younger people. In all people... The simple solution would be to just quit. Right? Wrong. Like I said, porn is everywhere and quitting isn't that simple.

If you put together the inability of people to do nothing, the wide availability of porn and the addiction to social media you get a pretty bleak story:

Jimmy has a day off. All his friends are busy. He does some school work, but is unable to focus. Without him realizing, his mind is distracted by his cellphone. His brain is waiting for that high that comes when the phone finally vibrates. He picks up the phone and visits Instagram for the 100th time today. Just like 10 minutes ago, nothing new has appeared on his feed. Still on his phone, he then proceeds to open the search tab where he sees plenty of half-naked models on the beach. These models are carefully picked by an algorithm that knows exactly what he likes and shows them in just the right amount to keep him hooked. He spends about 20 minutes looking at these babes. He's bored. He switches to Facebook, then Snapchat. Then he feels an urge. No problem, his favorite porn site is just a click away. Finding the right video seems like an endless task. After all, Jimmy has standards and specific needs that become more and more defined. After having done his business, he feels embarrassed but he successfully represses that emotion by watching a dozen videos on Youtube. Bored, he remembers that he hasn't finished watching that episode on Netflix. Episode 2353... or was is 2354? It's hard to keep track, but no worries, Netflix remembers.
Half the day passed.

Having done this reflection exercise, I already feel that I'm on the right track. Now how do I explain this to a 10 year old girl who so desperately seeks to conform and be accepted by her friends? Even more worrisome, how do I alter my own behavior? I've already been excluded by many of my acquaintances for not going to bars and clubs. How much isolation can I handle? There has to be someone out there who shares my opinion. Can I disconnect from the garbage or do I adapt and tell myself that this is how things work now? Maybe I should just become a "Modern Barbarian".


To be continued...

"But Like What's Your Passion"

There are people out there who are restless. They can't focus on one thing. No, I'm not talking about those with attention deficit disorders. I'm talking about those with too many different interest disorders. People who can't choose one career path because once they find out how something works, they feel the need to move on. Let me explain:

I've changed degrees more often than what would be considered "normal". Every time I did so, I was criticized and made fun of by my friends and family. "You have to stick to something, man" or "you have to find your passion" they kept saying. In this society, starting something and not finishing it is frowned upon. Those who work hard and persevere are role models - real achievers.

I believe that once someone deems that they have learned enough about a topic, they should be free to move on to the next one without fear of being judged. From our early childhood, we are so indoctrinated to believe that projects must be finished that we often feel guilty for not finishing them. I remember feeling that way when I was learning German. After 3 years, my interest for the language started to fade. The joy of novelty slowly faded away. Yet I couldn't let it go and move on to the next language. How could I? I wasn't 100% fluent! To be able to move on, I had to compromise with myself. Yes, I would learn Swedish, but I would go back to German often enough during the week. This wasn't done to preserve my knowledge of German, this was done so that I could extinguish the crippling sense of guilt I had for starting another language. This endured until I realized that I was imposing society's standards of "done" on myself. Truth is, I was done with German. I had learned enough and I was fully satisfied with how much I knew.

Now this doesn't really apply to everyone. There are people out there (the vast majority) that are so goal driven that they will become specialists at what they do. We live in a world of specialists. If you don't believe me just look at what people think of liberal arts students. Those who aren't specialists (let's call them investigators) have to adapt to this specialist world. They are often forced to pick a career path that seldom lets them seek out novelty. Because of that, they starve for novelty and jump at any arising opportunity.

To find out if you're an investigator answer the following question true or false.

1. Your favorite classes are electives.
2. You love making your new schedule.
3. You're often called a "walking encyclopedia".
4. You're constantly on the lookout for opportunities to change your life.
5. If you don't know something, you're not fine with that.
6. You can take a class from almost any field of study and find it interesting.

If most of your answers are true, congratulations! You're one of us.
Embrace change. You need change to not be miserable. Take that (those) extra electives even if they don't fit in your program. Be a tourist in that unpopular destination. Learn the basics of 30 languages. Change degrees 20 times if you want to. Don't limit yourself! If anyone tells you to not to worry because they are somehow sure you'll eventually find your life passion, smile and confidently tell them "I hope never do" because finding one would be the end of you.

The World Never Ends

I've always been told to be careful of what I wish for.

Recently, I've been dreaming that the world ended. I don't mean a nightmare that one wakes up to drenched in cold sweat. I've caught myself daydreaming about an apocalypse. A time when humans (those that survived) returned to more simpler but more difficult time.
It really could be anything -- zombies, World War III, plague... As long as the result is the disappearance of 99.9% of the earth's population. People struggling to find resources, turning on each other and finally coming together to build a better community.
I'm not writing an adventure story, sorry. What I'm trying to figure out is why I started to long for such a disaster. Despite the chronology, the following should be treated more like a memoir than anything.

My first memory of wishing for an apocalypse was in high school. I was often made fun of for being a bit too outdoorsy and having different hobbies like fishing and mushroom picking. During those days, I hoped for a disaster so that they could all suffer and I could be all right. Of course, that was merely the angst of an unconventional teenager. I didn't take those wishes seriously, and in that context, I still don't. I wouldn't want anyone to suffer, a quick death for all those losers (did you really think Part of the Plague wouldn't be beastly for once?).

The real reason for my dream is much more frightening. Look around our modern society. What do you see? I'll tell you what I see.

I see masses of connected people. Everyone has a smart phone these days. I see people waking up and grabbing their phones to see if there are any new notification. I see people craving notifications, so much they will imagine their phone vibrated in class. I see people picking up their phones during a date. I see people sitting alone in class; they are not alone, they have their phones.
 I see companies fervently competing for a little portion of our attention. I see annoying ads that nobody seems to notice anymore. They are simply there. In places you thought you'd never see them. There are now ads embedded in the start menu of your personal computer. There are ads on Duolingo, a free service that used to pride itself on being totally free. It still does, but looking at ads is a cost. Dear Duolingo, you are no longer free. I see a 30 second advertisement before watching a minute long video.
I see people stuffing their faces with pseudo-food. I see people choosing McDonald's instead of bringing a lunch to school to save a few minutes (I can only wonder what they do with all of that free time). I see grown people unable to cook. I see people not willing to try new food because it looks too exotic. I see students drinking 5 cups of coffee because they were up all night doing God knows what.
I see people enrolled in classes they don't like, studying for a career they don't want that society definitely doesn't need. I see people with a desire for money and free time, but that don't know what to do of them. I see people without any hobbies or interests. I see people watching television instead than spending time with their loved ones. I see people studying or working so hard they forget the biggest joys in life come from leisure and relaxation.
I see people that no longer think. I see non-curious people. I see people preferring the bright light of their phones at night to the beauty of stars. I see mentally and physically weak humans. I see people uncomfortable at the idea of camping. I see people that would rather spend 200$ on a hotel than sleep in a tent for free.
I see technology that becomes obsolete after 3 years, with a repair that costs more than a new device. I see plastic packaging that saves costs to the companies but obliterates the environment we live in. I see the selfishness of capitalism...

The real reason I dream of a horrible end to mankind is because I see myself.
Now back to my dream. After the wave of disaster, a new order settles in.

People no longer have phones. They have ridden themselves of this disease. Only important long distance communication is made by radio. After struggling for survival long enough people have learned the value of communication, friendship and cooperation. The attention spawn of a human being is now one of a human being, not a goldfish.
Advertisements and corporations no longer exist. Those that are selfish have not survived the disaster. Cooperation and friendship is taught to children. Services are shared, according to needs.
People eat what they can find, grow or kill. No prepackaged foods. Everyone knows how to cook. Food knowledge is shared among the various newly formed communities.
People are doing what they have to in order to ensure their survival and the survival of their loved ones. People are picking up hobbies. People that care about each other communicate and spend time together.
Humans are curious once again. They look at the stars and wonder about death, life and their place in the universe. People are strengthened by the losses. They do not fear the wilderness for they have become once again the apex predators.
People invent things that last. There are no ideologies other than that in which we are one with nature.

A man can dream, or a man can act...
...to be continued. 

Lessons from a Slav

To my dear male readers (and girls too, if you want): 

Let's face it. The vast majority of Canadian men aged from 18 to 25 (yes including me) are the biggest sissies in the world. This phenomenon isn't only limited to Canadians; most Western European and American cultures are faced with this issue.
These guys are polite - they make sure to ask their significant other where they want to go, what they want to eat, what they want to do. They try their best to be pleasant, friendly and helpful. Sounds familiar?

Now, let's look at the other end of the spectrum. The Eastern European Male (also known as Slav). When you try to picture one of them, you're probably thinking about something like this:

These crude and barbaric men are real machos aren't they? Constantly fighting about something; they don't take no for an answer. They objectify women and they seem rather careless about their appearance. These are "real men" in a very primitive almost animal way.

What if I told you that Western men should learn a few things from their Slavic counterparts (of course, excluding the bold sexism - I certainly don't approve of that). I summed up their lessons into 5 broad categories:

1. Goal Oriented
Let's face it, men from Western cultures don't really know what they want. Mainly because they don't keep in touch with their internal feelings. They can't differentiate their likes from their dislikes. Making decisions for them is the worst, as they are trying to please too many people and end up displeasing themselves. A true (and good) Slav will think about others, but ultimately won't go against his own goals. That being said, making a decision isn't hard, even in a relationship. You'd be surprised by how easy it is to just say "tonight, we are eating sushi" and obtain compliance instead of asking "what would you like to eat?" and then spending half of the evening trying to figure out what she wants. Now don't get me wrong, this doesn't mean that you don't have to ask anyone about anything. It's fine to do so, but if you see that the person is struggling to come up with an answer - be a man and make the decision for them.

2. Perseverance and Confidence
Why does the Slavic man keep harassing that poor lady? It's part of the culture! Once the Slav has identified his goals (see step 1) he will do anything possible to attain it. This mix of perseverance and confidence should be applied in a broader context than dating (unless you really want that restraining order). Indeed, from a young age, Slavic men are taught to be confident. A true man believes in himself and ultimately succeeds. Now I'm not saying to over inflate your ego. All I mean to say is that there are far more stressful events in life than taking an exam. It really boils down to sending a message. What do you want to do? Freak out with the other girls or show your confidence and take it with a smile? That being said, confidence is a skill. Unless you work on it, it's not going to magically appear. Try to do something bold and enjoy the fruits of your labor.

3. Appearances 
To put it simply, if you take more than ten minutes to get ready to go to school (in the bathroom), you deserve to be called a little girl. Maybe if you stopped worrying so much about your appearance you could do something actually useful for yourself. I don't mean become a sloth, but there is nothing more masculine than a beard. If you're not a beard guy, fine, as long as you don't start putting on makeup or abusing of hair products. Look like a modern warrior, man.

4. Values
Not having clearly defined values will make you doubt your decisions and your actions. Take a moment for yourself and figure out what is important for you. Whatever you do, don't plagiarize a whole "code" from someone else. There is nothing less manly than trying to be someone you're not. If you don't think stealing is wrong, own it. 

5. Rock hardiness
Perhaps one of the best characteristics of these Slavic men is how reliable they are. For them, the ultimate man can be leaned on in need and is fully independent. I strongly invite my Western compatriots to take this into consideration. If you can't provide for yourself, if you can't cook - how will you ever be able to be the strong independent and reliable man you aspire to be?

6. Manly skills (optional)
Assuming that, like me, you've decided to embark on the journey of becoming more manly by learning from the Slavs here is my list of skills (I didn't complete all of it) that you should probably master if you ever want to be seen as manly.

• Cooking (believe me, women love this)
• Camping
• Learn a foreign language
• Fishing
• Basic car mechanics
• Cleaning (as much as this sounds really, really unmanly... it's necessary for independence)
• Driving manual
• Chopping wood and woodwork in general
• Using various tools
• Common sense and general knowledge (very underrated)

I'm not perfect, I don't pretend to live by these principles, but it is definitely an ideal to look forward to. It's especially hard to do if you don't have a true passion (but that's a different story).