As I lie in bed during the last few days of my exchange, I cannot fall asleep. This time, it isn't the excessive noise. It isn't the cold, nor the cups of tea I drank before going to bed. What keeps me awake is a fear that is guaranteed to send chills down the spine of any man who has though about his future. It is the fear of living a mediocre life.
The past few weeks I have been thinking about what my life will be like once I go home. I'm graduating soon and I have to make an important decision. Do I continue studying in my field? Do I start another bachelors degree? Do I just find a job with my newly acquired diploma? Do I open my own business? If I continue studying in my field or get a job right away, I'm guaranteed a life of semi-passive corporate work. Regardless of whether or not I work for a large company, I can't help the feeling that when I get old and look back at my life, I will have achieved nothing. Sure, I might have helped a company grow. I might have even helped people (if I work for a non-lucrative organisation). Will that be satisfying though? Will I be able to look back and say: "that time was not wasted". I will have done nothing, created nothing with my hands. I will have been just another organism in this ridiculous system we call society. Why can't I just be normal?
Often, when you ask for advice during an existential crisis, savvy people will tell you to picture yourself doing something you like. Unfortunately for me, I have quite the imagination and if I try, I can picture myself doing pretty much anything. Sure, I have hobbies: camping, fishing, language learning, coin collecting... None of these seem economically viable options. There is one thing, however, that keeps reoccurring. When I'm asked to picture a happy life: I think of a cabin in the woods. A cozy one, with a fireplace (and internet of course). I see a husky sitting by my side as I add wood to the fireplace and sip on my tea. It's cold outside, snowy. I'm not sure I want this though. This is merely an image of what I think happiness should be, not what happiness is.
I feel lost, I don't know what to do. Starting a new bachelor's degree feels like running away from the problem - postponing it to the future me. That future me will have the same problem in 3 years when he finishes yet another bachelor's degree. The idea of working in an office from 9 to 5 is repulsive. The idea of starting a business is scary (especially considering the business idea is lacking). The idea of doing a masters in IT is revolting - I clearly have little interest in this domain.
Even worse is the feeling that this exchange was but a holiday. I've made no serious connections. The main lesson I've learned is that I probably shouldn't move to Europe. I've learned very little in my courses. However, I do not regret it. I left my comfort zone and visited many countries. That was something I didn't think I was capable of, and I will for sure share my stories in Europe many times. That doesn't make me special. Lots of people go on exchange. Some even go to less comfortable locations.
I can only hope that tomorrow I will wake up with answers.
The past few weeks I have been thinking about what my life will be like once I go home. I'm graduating soon and I have to make an important decision. Do I continue studying in my field? Do I start another bachelors degree? Do I just find a job with my newly acquired diploma? Do I open my own business? If I continue studying in my field or get a job right away, I'm guaranteed a life of semi-passive corporate work. Regardless of whether or not I work for a large company, I can't help the feeling that when I get old and look back at my life, I will have achieved nothing. Sure, I might have helped a company grow. I might have even helped people (if I work for a non-lucrative organisation). Will that be satisfying though? Will I be able to look back and say: "that time was not wasted". I will have done nothing, created nothing with my hands. I will have been just another organism in this ridiculous system we call society. Why can't I just be normal?
Often, when you ask for advice during an existential crisis, savvy people will tell you to picture yourself doing something you like. Unfortunately for me, I have quite the imagination and if I try, I can picture myself doing pretty much anything. Sure, I have hobbies: camping, fishing, language learning, coin collecting... None of these seem economically viable options. There is one thing, however, that keeps reoccurring. When I'm asked to picture a happy life: I think of a cabin in the woods. A cozy one, with a fireplace (and internet of course). I see a husky sitting by my side as I add wood to the fireplace and sip on my tea. It's cold outside, snowy. I'm not sure I want this though. This is merely an image of what I think happiness should be, not what happiness is.
I feel lost, I don't know what to do. Starting a new bachelor's degree feels like running away from the problem - postponing it to the future me. That future me will have the same problem in 3 years when he finishes yet another bachelor's degree. The idea of working in an office from 9 to 5 is repulsive. The idea of starting a business is scary (especially considering the business idea is lacking). The idea of doing a masters in IT is revolting - I clearly have little interest in this domain.
Even worse is the feeling that this exchange was but a holiday. I've made no serious connections. The main lesson I've learned is that I probably shouldn't move to Europe. I've learned very little in my courses. However, I do not regret it. I left my comfort zone and visited many countries. That was something I didn't think I was capable of, and I will for sure share my stories in Europe many times. That doesn't make me special. Lots of people go on exchange. Some even go to less comfortable locations.
I can only hope that tomorrow I will wake up with answers.
My friend, when you'll come back, we will discuss everything.
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