The Flip Side of Independence

I've recently written a short essay (so to speak) in which I expressed my deepest life problems. I wasn't going to share it at first, but the worsening of my mental state paired with my loneliness pushed me to share it with my sister and later with my parents.

Despite the numerous "warning labels", I feel that I've caused more harm than good. Sharing those problems was a rather selfish action. Of course my family would be worried, what was I thinking? I now realize that rant was nothing but a childish desire for adult freedom, without the acknowledgement of the burdens that come with it. I implicitly showed my desire to move out, but did nothing to show my willingness to begin a professional career. That rant was nothing but the dream of being a true American college student. One that would live away from his parents, but that would have his life paid for. It is a sad realization that those kids do nothing but cripple themselves or their parents with debt. This realization isn't merely as sad as the eye opening one that the world doesn't owe you anything, that your mother cannot get you a promotion and that nobody will call the government to inform them that you have moved unless you do it yourself.

With those concepts in mind, I am faced with a difficult choice: If I leave now, I will be cut-off parental support (food, washing, housing, education) and will probably take out a loan that I'll be repaying for the rest of my YOUNG professional life. One might think that with such arguments, the answer is simple. You're not being kicked out, so stay with your parents until you are financially independent. This is the logical argument. This is also the reason I will always be ever so grateful to my parents that have provided me everything I could possibly need and that have expressed their willingness to keep doing that. 

The flip side is that I have to sacrifice at least some of my "less responsible" adult life. The desire to not disappoint my parents has made me a shut-off that suppresses his enjoyment for reckless behaviour (by that I mean parties that typically involve a lot of alcohol and last until the sun comes back up). I might not enjoy drinking as much, but I do enjoy the drop of certain boundaries. These parties may not be the healthiest, but omits the horror of binge drinking there are still conversations (no matter how meaningless) and bonds that are being formed. Even if I could somehow suppress my own feelings of inadequacy, the fact that I've always been afraid to disappoint has taken the upper hand in all of the situations I've been in. This can be proven by the fact that the only parties of the sort that I have ever attended were either at Hostyn or in Sweden - two situations where I did not have to face the consequences of my actions (even if no actions were taken) and choices with my parents the very next morning. Even putting aside sleeping with girls, I'd still feel guilty for coming home at dawn; it is part of my upbringing.

I have to make a firm choice, my indecisiveness is also selfish. It has become understandably taboo to hold empty and speculative conversations about moving out, I can only imagine how annoyed and irritated my parents are with the idea (they might even sell the house - no pressure). As of now, I'm still uncertain with what the future holds. I should probably find out if I enjoy what I plan to study and stay put until I have a clear idea of what my life will be like. Perhaps I should even show more gratitude to this household for tolerating my mood-swings and childish ideas of adult life.

Good Old Days of Networking

I finally understand my love-hate relationship with smartphones of today.

All it took was to hold my old BlackBerry Curve. Now that was a device. It was a statement. It showed the entire world that you were tech savvy but you still had a notion of style. The battery would work for days. There was a side button that could be customized at your discretion. It had a full keyboard without that clumsy sliding mechanism. Even better, my Blackberry was truly mine. It was unique (well, not really). I remember how much I hesitated before getting it because the white and black ones were sold out. It looked something like this:




This phone is a reminder of simpler times. I wasn't worried about having Facebook on it. I didn't care for Google Maps. All I needed was a way to call, text, and listen to music. Somehow, that was enough in my early teens. For more media-like communication we had MSN Messenger and it looked something like this:





That was all we really needed. I would lie if I said Facebook wasn't around. It was, but it was mainly used to share our mood and plan for events. Advertisement weren't on your feed and the feed was truly chronological. There was no nonsense sharing of videos and silly pictures other than through messaging platforms with direct links (this is aimed towards you, reuploaders).

The phones we have today cannot compare with the thrilling experience I had as a teen. I have divided up my complains into short paragraphs to make it easier to comprehend:



1. Aesthetics
Let's face it. Phones today are ugly. They are just some variation of a rectangle with more or less the same features and apps. There is hardly any distinction between them. At the moment most of them look like this:
To distinguish yourself from the masses, you're forced to personalize the inside of the phone through backgrounds or icons. Even worse, you cover up your rectangular box with a case to make it more appealing and to protect it. This device is fragile, feeble. One drop and the screen is shattered. One bump and there is a dent in the back cover. I remember throwing my old blackberry in rage (yes, go ahead, judge me) when I'd get bad news or when it refused to cooperate. Despite the abuse, its screen is intact and it still works to this day.

2. App Dependency
Back then, I didn't need much from my phone. A decent camera, texting, music and calls. Now it appears to me that today's phone feature is perhaps the least used feature of our devices. Furthermore, texting is also out of the picture since everyone has access to data. Messenger, Skype and Whatsapp have killed the way we used to text. Before their appearance a text message was carefully crafted. Words were chosen, emoticons were selected. Now, our tap keyboards can predict what we are going to say and what emoticon (emoji? when did this happen?) we are going to use.
This rant isn't only about the fact we stopped making telecom companies rich. There are also certain habits that I never thought to be possible that appeared in my life. No longer can I sit on the toilet seat without playing a quick game of chess (emphasis on quick). No longer can I take a picture and simply send it to my friends - I also feel the compelling urge to post it on Instagram where I can seek validation from people I don't know in the form of likes. No longer can I spend time with friends without having one of them come up with the "brilliant" idea of downloading Tinder to see how is around. No longer can I get lost and ask a stranger for directions - I have Google Maps, I'm not a Savage. While you can argue that this is progress, that this saves time and makes me more efficient at daily task, I urge you to ask "what for?". There micro moments of efficiency don't counterbalance the amount of time I spend on YouTube watching questionable videos. Good thing I'm too broke and I still look for my own music instead of using Spotify like the masses.
I firmly believe that we are still apes. Apes that need to communicate with each other face to face. Apes that need to be curious about their mistakes. Apes that aren't ready for super-efficient futuristic life.

3. Distractions
Yes, you can put your phone away. Yes, you can turn it off. Yes, there are things you can do. Those aren't enough. Because when you turn off your phone, you're building up the expectation that when you turn it back on, there will be tons of notification. If you're in a later stage of dependency, turning off your rectangle will cause you anxiety - FOMO as they call it (fear of missing out). This anxiety is so strong that it can prevent you from doing the reasonable thing and restricting your child's rectangle use. You'll start telling yourself that this is how people communicate now. That there is nothing you can do about it. That the world has come to this and you can either conform or be an outcast of society. Peer pressure on a global scale. The companies have won. We can no longer live comfortably without our devices. We must make sure there will be a connection when we travel.We must make sure our phones are always fully charged. We must worry when the battery starts to drain.

The most critical of you will ask me: "Mr. K., this is all good, but what can we do?"
My friends, we cannot fight it. We are all slaves to technology now. What we can do is dream. Dream of a world where people will take a look at their behaviour and be self-critical. Rest assured, my dear friends, this will not happen anytime soon. It is too easy to be a consumer and too intellectually demanding to be a creator. People are herd animals and we will keep doing what the herd is doing. It is up to you to either follow them into the abyss or stay alone and watch them fall.