I've recently written a short essay (so to speak) in which I expressed my deepest life problems. I wasn't going to share it at first, but the worsening of my mental state paired with my loneliness pushed me to share it with my sister and later with my parents.
Despite the numerous "warning labels", I feel that I've caused more harm than good. Sharing those problems was a rather selfish action. Of course my family would be worried, what was I thinking? I now realize that rant was nothing but a childish desire for adult freedom, without the acknowledgement of the burdens that come with it. I implicitly showed my desire to move out, but did nothing to show my willingness to begin a professional career. That rant was nothing but the dream of being a true American college student. One that would live away from his parents, but that would have his life paid for. It is a sad realization that those kids do nothing but cripple themselves or their parents with debt. This realization isn't merely as sad as the eye opening one that the world doesn't owe you anything, that your mother cannot get you a promotion and that nobody will call the government to inform them that you have moved unless you do it yourself.
With those concepts in mind, I am faced with a difficult choice: If I leave now, I will be cut-off parental support (food, washing, housing, education) and will probably take out a loan that I'll be repaying for the rest of my YOUNG professional life. One might think that with such arguments, the answer is simple. You're not being kicked out, so stay with your parents until you are financially independent. This is the logical argument. This is also the reason I will always be ever so grateful to my parents that have provided me everything I could possibly need and that have expressed their willingness to keep doing that.
The flip side is that I have to sacrifice at least some of my "less responsible" adult life. The desire to not disappoint my parents has made me a shut-off that suppresses his enjoyment for reckless behaviour (by that I mean parties that typically involve a lot of alcohol and last until the sun comes back up). I might not enjoy drinking as much, but I do enjoy the drop of certain boundaries. These parties may not be the healthiest, but omits the horror of binge drinking there are still conversations (no matter how meaningless) and bonds that are being formed. Even if I could somehow suppress my own feelings of inadequacy, the fact that I've always been afraid to disappoint has taken the upper hand in all of the situations I've been in. This can be proven by the fact that the only parties of the sort that I have ever attended were either at Hostyn or in Sweden - two situations where I did not have to face the consequences of my actions (even if no actions were taken) and choices with my parents the very next morning. Even putting aside sleeping with girls, I'd still feel guilty for coming home at dawn; it is part of my upbringing.
I have to make a firm choice, my indecisiveness is also selfish. It has become understandably taboo to hold empty and speculative conversations about moving out, I can only imagine how annoyed and irritated my parents are with the idea (they might even sell the house - no pressure). As of now, I'm still uncertain with what the future holds. I should probably find out if I enjoy what I plan to study and stay put until I have a clear idea of what my life will be like. Perhaps I should even show more gratitude to this household for tolerating my mood-swings and childish ideas of adult life.
Despite the numerous "warning labels", I feel that I've caused more harm than good. Sharing those problems was a rather selfish action. Of course my family would be worried, what was I thinking? I now realize that rant was nothing but a childish desire for adult freedom, without the acknowledgement of the burdens that come with it. I implicitly showed my desire to move out, but did nothing to show my willingness to begin a professional career. That rant was nothing but the dream of being a true American college student. One that would live away from his parents, but that would have his life paid for. It is a sad realization that those kids do nothing but cripple themselves or their parents with debt. This realization isn't merely as sad as the eye opening one that the world doesn't owe you anything, that your mother cannot get you a promotion and that nobody will call the government to inform them that you have moved unless you do it yourself.
With those concepts in mind, I am faced with a difficult choice: If I leave now, I will be cut-off parental support (food, washing, housing, education) and will probably take out a loan that I'll be repaying for the rest of my YOUNG professional life. One might think that with such arguments, the answer is simple. You're not being kicked out, so stay with your parents until you are financially independent. This is the logical argument. This is also the reason I will always be ever so grateful to my parents that have provided me everything I could possibly need and that have expressed their willingness to keep doing that.
The flip side is that I have to sacrifice at least some of my "less responsible" adult life. The desire to not disappoint my parents has made me a shut-off that suppresses his enjoyment for reckless behaviour (by that I mean parties that typically involve a lot of alcohol and last until the sun comes back up). I might not enjoy drinking as much, but I do enjoy the drop of certain boundaries. These parties may not be the healthiest, but omits the horror of binge drinking there are still conversations (no matter how meaningless) and bonds that are being formed. Even if I could somehow suppress my own feelings of inadequacy, the fact that I've always been afraid to disappoint has taken the upper hand in all of the situations I've been in. This can be proven by the fact that the only parties of the sort that I have ever attended were either at Hostyn or in Sweden - two situations where I did not have to face the consequences of my actions (even if no actions were taken) and choices with my parents the very next morning. Even putting aside sleeping with girls, I'd still feel guilty for coming home at dawn; it is part of my upbringing.
I have to make a firm choice, my indecisiveness is also selfish. It has become understandably taboo to hold empty and speculative conversations about moving out, I can only imagine how annoyed and irritated my parents are with the idea (they might even sell the house - no pressure). As of now, I'm still uncertain with what the future holds. I should probably find out if I enjoy what I plan to study and stay put until I have a clear idea of what my life will be like. Perhaps I should even show more gratitude to this household for tolerating my mood-swings and childish ideas of adult life.
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