Things are not going as smoothly as I hoped they would. For the first time in my life, I had to actually sit down for full days on end to meet my end of term deliverables. I'm not done yet. Things are piling up and every time I submit something I feel like I'm hurling garbage at my professors. I get back criticism along the lines of "you didn't integrate your concepts" "where is this paper going?" and "you need to rework your research question".
I think I have chosen the wrong specialization for marketing. I'm clearly not cut out for consumer culture theory. If the last two seminars (in CCT) are any indication, I'm about as good at it as... I'm just not good at it. My comments and questions felt misplaced and totally impertinent. I could read the exasperation on my professor's (who also happens to be my PI) face. In our last meeting, he asked me "is this what you see yourself doing?". I panicked, does that mean he thinks I shouldn't be doing it? I gave a usual bullshit answer saying I'm still undecided.
Lately I caught myself daydreaming about being poached by a marketing firm. Of course, that would never happen; I haven't made a name for myself. Equally concerning are my daydreams about being told that I'm not good enough for this. Despite the blow to my ego, it would clear things out and I could proceed from there. The fact is, I don't feel qualified for any of the degrees that I have obtained. I have virtually forgotten everything from my IT degree, I hardly did anything during my masters in Policy and now I'm struggling with my PhD. The thought that I could have done a bit more, performed a bit better if it weren't for my pathological laziness haunts me every day. Just not enough for me to actually do anything.
Perhaps I care too much. Perhaps I just need to wait and see. Maybe I misread the situation. Maybe my work isn't absolutely worthless. The fact is, I can't be bothered to make big changes. Why would I? I'm contempt with my situation. Well paid, decent living and not too stressful days with lots of time for other things. I don't seem to be failing (nor am I the top student). Sure, occasionally (like now) feelings of worthlessness creep up on me. However most days I enjoy quite a bit of downtime, more than imaginable under a rigid 9-5 work schedule.
So that settles it. I need to teach myself to relax, to reduce my seriousness. Of what I can tell, serious people are also the most miserable ones. When I think about it, what's the worst thing that could happen? I'll fail and drop out. Being too serious leads to nowhere. I guess the next thing I will research in self development is How to be less serious about life.
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