Day 280 - Second Semester - First Year

 My study term has finally finished. Now I have the entire summer ahead of me to work on my first project, as well as to work on the RA position that I landed. Luckily for me, I don't really need to spend more than 2h on each task per day and the weekends remain relatively light. This comes as both a blessing and a curse; sure I get half a day off to do whatever I want, but I still feel this nagging sense of guilt. I feel like I'm underperforming, like there is more that could be done. Despite that, I can't be bothered to do more. 

My minimalist journey has finally seen some progress. I got rid of the round table that occupied most of my living room. This was quite a relief because I wasn't sitting properly at it anyway. With it went away a wooden chair and the extension that occupied a hefty part of my closet. The living room now looks like this (on a good day)

There is still quite a bit of work to do. I would say the couch is WAY too big for the size of this apartment. It pulls out into a Queen size bed. I initially thought I could perhaps sleep on it and get rid of my bed. I quickly found out that it is most uncomfortable to sleep on (the mattress is actually a short queen and the springs are all busted). Replacing the mattress is also impossible. La-z-boy made it so that any knockoff mattress wouldn't allow for comfortable sitting in the folded mode. 

Now getting rid of it is a whole other story. Even if we put aside my general inability to purchase furniture (it would take me months to find a replacement) getting the damn thing out of my apartment proves to be an insurmountable task. My guess is that this sofa was probably built in the apartment since it does not fit through the front door. Taking it apart is also no walk in the park. This isn't an IKEA couch. It's heavy, most pieces are metal and the wooden parts are nailed together. I guess if I really put my mind to it I could make a weekend out of it. I would probably still need some help. 

The bedroom is probably more of a success. I disassembled the standing desk (I used it maybe 3 times in total), installed some curtains and more cozy lights. 

I also sold a bunch of useless crap, like my cards against humanity deck, my poker set, my guitar amp, my diffuser. All of this stuff that was just laying around never being used. There is more, I just need to be better at evaluating what I actually want. 

For the upcoming months I'm probably going to work on further reducing useless shit and actively considering getting rid of this enormous couch. Maybe I'll get one of those circular foam things instead, or maybe I'll go full crazy and keep that room empty with just workout stuff and my office. 

Day 227 - Second Semester - First Year

 Things are not going as smoothly as I hoped they would. For the first time in my life, I had to actually sit down for full days on end to meet my end of term deliverables. I'm not done yet. Things are piling up and every time I submit something I feel like I'm hurling garbage at my professors. I get back criticism along the lines of "you didn't integrate your concepts" "where is this paper going?" and "you need to rework your research question". 

I think I have chosen the wrong specialization for marketing. I'm clearly not cut out for consumer culture theory. If the last two seminars (in CCT) are any indication, I'm about as good at it as... I'm just not good at it. My comments and questions felt misplaced and totally impertinent. I could read the exasperation on my professor's (who also happens to be my PI) face. In our last meeting, he asked me "is this what you see yourself doing?". I panicked, does that mean he thinks I shouldn't be doing it? I gave a usual bullshit answer saying I'm still undecided. 

Lately I caught myself daydreaming about being poached by a marketing firm. Of course, that would never happen; I haven't made a name for myself. Equally concerning are my daydreams about being told that I'm not good enough for this. Despite the blow to my ego, it would clear things out and I could proceed from there. The fact is, I don't feel qualified for any of the degrees that I have obtained. I have virtually forgotten everything from my IT degree, I hardly did anything during my masters in Policy and now I'm struggling with my PhD. The thought that I could have done a bit more, performed a bit better if it weren't for my pathological laziness haunts me every day. Just not enough for me to actually do anything. 

Perhaps I care too much. Perhaps I just need to wait and see. Maybe I misread the situation. Maybe my work isn't absolutely worthless. The fact is, I can't be bothered to make big changes. Why would I? I'm contempt with my situation. Well paid, decent living and not too stressful days with lots of time for other things. I don't seem to be failing (nor am I the top student). Sure, occasionally (like now) feelings of worthlessness creep up on me. However most days I enjoy quite a bit of downtime, more than imaginable under a rigid 9-5 work schedule.

So that settles it. I need to teach myself to relax, to reduce my seriousness. Of what I can tell, serious people are also the most miserable ones. When I think about it, what's the worst thing that could happen? I'll fail and drop out.  Being too serious leads to nowhere. I guess the next thing I will research in self development is How to be less serious about life. 

Day 182 - Second Semester - First Year

 I want to first address my no meat experiment. It did not result in the expected improvements that I was hoping for. My weight has not changed, my mood has stayed stable and my energy levels have also remained largely unchanged. Funny enough, I strongly felt the difference in calories between carbs (4cal/g) and fats (9cal/g). A few hours after each meal I ended up snacking - something I previously didn't feel the need to do. Lucky for me my parents decided to rid their cupboards of excessive quarantine provisions that I was quick to haul into my tine apartment like a starved hamster. That being said, I'm not about to embark on a carnivore diet. I will still be avoiding pork, eating beef with moderation, and primarily feasting on birds and fish. 

Another experiment that was a definite failure was the floor desk. Although the idea was (still is) super appealing, sitting on the floor just isn't comfortable enough for prolonged periods of time. During the 6 hours of class that I have on Wednesday, I often turned off my camera to that I could lean back, stretch my sore lower backs. Sometimes my ass hurt so much that I had to change locations. Overall, I would say that the floor desk made me less productive since I was avoiding sitting at it as much as I could. Another problem with the floor desk was the amount of hair that was being gathered on the camping mat that I was sitting on. I seem to be shedding like a husky at the end of winter. 

Now I'm experimenting with a standing desk, although if the last few days are any indication of how I feel about it, I should really just dismantle the whole thing and sit at the kitchen table. The way I arranged the standing desk is probably not ideal - when I feel the need to sit, the bar stools are just too low. The whole thing looks quite ugly too. I have put together a "table" with some boards and the whole thing rests on my window sill and a book shelf - see for yourself the ghetto-gopnik PhD student setup.

I have had some improvements with minimalism. I was able to rid myself of an entire box of useless shit. I still have some room for improvement though, namely when it comes to clothes (still can't muster up the courage to get rid of the items I never wear). One of my proudest achievements is my fridge by the end of the week. I absolutely love the fact that I never buy food that I don't end up eating. By the end of the week, I will usually have consumed most things I bought at the beginning of the week, making my fridge a nice, empty space to fill with fresh sustenance. Another benefit of this relationship with food is that before shopping for more, I have an opportunity to easily wash my fridge without having to take anything out. 

Day 172 - Second Semester - First Year

Good news! I finally received my MacBook. Now I get to be an Apple fan boy. 

My minimalist activity has been fruitful. My parents took away the chair from my apartment and I've downsized quite a few books that I didn't need. I'm still struggling with clothes. Part of me really wanted to get rid of half of all I know, which isn't much already. I mean how many sweaters does one really need? I've only been wearing the same 2-3 for the past month. 

Another thing that has been quite successful is the floor desk. I'm starting to notice improvements in my flexibility from it. Also, it has made me a lot more productive because I still get quickly physically tired. It looks like I really can't work for more than 4h, but I figured that's fine since I'm breezing through my courses and generally getting positive feedback from my profs. Speaking of feedback, I decided to focus my project on the firm's point of view. It just seems to make more sense to me since I'm in MARKETING and not anthropology or ethnic studies (as one of my classmates clearly thinks). 

My less meat experiment is failing so far. I've visited and been visited by my parents for 3 weekends in a row and they tend to demand meat. They left behind large quantities of meat and I just don't have it in me to throw out good food. Next week should be better. Other than the small container of stir-fry my fridge is void of meat. I'll give it 2-3 weeks before making a verdict about that. I listened to a Ted talk in which the speaker apparently claims that not eating meat makes you more calm and empathetic. I guess I'll see if that's true. 

I went on a walk today. It was really nice. Published a video on my Youtube Channel. 

Day 160 - Second Semester - First Year

A few things have changed since I last made an entry. 

From a creature-pleasure standpoint, I started making kombucha, put my sofa in front of the window and shortened my desk (to free up space). I also moved my bed to the wall adjacent to the living room so that I don't have to hear my neighbor anymore. 

And now minimalism:

I'm still attempting to get rid of more unnecessary belonging, although I must say it is becoming difficult to find the energy to go through them. Some of these things include:

1. A transparent box full of coins (what the hell am I supposed to do with pennies?)
2. An electric guitar that was loaned to me (which is difficult to give back because of the pandemic situation)
3. An iron (which I keep because I still live in the illusion that one day I'll dress nice)
4. Two barstools that I purchased without thinking about leg room (my counter doesn't go out much)
5. A computer chair that I took from my parents by impulse (more on this later) 
6. A wide variety of hoodies, pullovers and sweatshirts (seriously how many does one need?

That's all I can think of for now, but there is more. 

Another thing that has been on my mind recently is the amount of work/effort I'm supposed to put in on a daily basis. If I'm being honest, I'm only capable of working for about 3.5 hour without distraction. That means that every morning I have to decide what I will prioritize doing during the day because the rest of my readings/homework will be half-assed. I'm starting to think that I'm probably not supposed to read everything that's assigned in great detail. Perhaps skimming the less important papers would suffice. The problem is, which papers are the less important ones? I'm concerned that if I skim too much, I will have a hard time writing my comprehensive exam. Last semester I seriously read the articles for my concentration courses and my statistics class and COMPLETELY neglected the readings in research methodology and experimental methods. Interestingly enough, I got good grade in both of the courses that I neglected, but I'm still waiting on grades for the courses I didn't. Going back to time allocation, I typically start my day around 8:30 - 9:00 and I do most of my productive work until 12:00. The rest of the day is half-assed and around 15:00 to 16:00 I'm so drained that I can't keep going. I tried working later a few times and the next day was completely wasted (dry eyes, bad mood, terrible headache). It's definitely not a diet issue - I've tried a variety of things for lunch (from skipping it altogether to very heavy meaty meals). I'm inclined to think it is a motivational problem (or perhaps a lack of leisure?).

Another thing related to the previous point about productivity is my growing concern for my health. I feel heavy, drained and unmotivated to workout at home. The equipment I recently acquired quickly became dull. My sister suggested that I do something more interactive like dancing. I've tried it, enjoyed it for about 20 minutes and got bored. A while ago my mom suggested I buy cross country ski and make it my sport. I just don't see how it could possibly work considering I get up from my desk at 16:00 with only an hour of sunlight left. 
With some introspection, I found out that I'm not so preoccupied about my health as I am with aesthetics. Being healthy is great, but what I'm most concerned with is getting fat. Perhaps the answer isn't so much in physical activity as it is in nutrition. I don't eat junk food (including anything with added sugar) regularly and I have no sweets in my apartment. I don't know what else I could possibly do at this point. I tried intermittent fasting, it was too much of a hassle. I don't particularly feel like trying diets because that's a slippery slope considering my rather unhealthy relationship with food. One thing that I am considering is changing up with proportion of animal to plant protein. Perhaps I can give my body a break from digesting animals from time to time? 
Another thing I read was that our bodies need to be constantly in motion. The only way to accommodate that for me is to ditch the computer chair (and ball) and sit on the floor. That will allow me to move my legs all the time (going from squat to extended legs to lotus, etc.) and possibly even improve my flexibility. I guess I'll give it a try, although the coffee table I have is a bit too tall for that. 

All of this might sound like a lot of complaining, but it's really a build up to what I'm about to write down - a list of goals. I heard in a dumb motivational YouTube video that you're supposed to write down your goals for accountability (and then to stop bitching about the problems are actually reach those goals). To that I'm also going to add that goals should have a concrete procedure on how to attain them. These goals should probably be reasonable (yeah no more writing "get a six pack") and attainable. So here they are:

• Increase truly productive time from 3.5 hours to 4 hours.
• Don't open signal on my computer and leave phone in different room
• Don't let myself watch any content until the 4h are done
• Time the breaks (not the hours worked, I tried that it makes it harder to concentrate)
• Don't connect second monitor unless necessary
• Improve flexibility and leg strength (and posture?)
• Sit on the floor as long as possible
• Possibly purchase a yoga block
• Go for a walk after lunch and dinner
• Improve aesthetics (mostly upper body)
• Workout 3 times a week (scheduled)
• Workout at 70% of 1MR x 4 sets (purple band)
• Weigh myself in the morning on workout days (write down)
• Alter nutrition
• Make the remaining meat in the fridge optional or 1/4 of plate
• Once no more meat in the fridge - only buy prime cuts and occasionally 
• Stop eating so much Mayo (in the morning, that can't be good for me)

Those are the 4 goals I'm going to work on for the upcoming weeks. I'm going to give myself the rest of February to see if I make any progress. 

Day 132 - Second Semester - First Year

 After discussing with my supervisor, he made me realize I went astray from the initial market formation theory. He told me to forget about the conflict itself and instead focus on what exactly consumers did in both conflictual and non-conflictual situations. After doing that, I was to separate each tactic into categories and provide an explanation with examples for each classification. I did that and sent him what I had so far. 

I'm also still experimenting with minimalism. I have two boxes full of stuff at my front door that I plan to get rid of. Because we are in a lockdown, I'm not too sure what to do of them. I have mostly decluttered my book shelf - keeping only the books that have value (including sentimental). Much to my liking, I have very little stuff laying around and I'm quite proud of my minimalist kitchen (I actually have room to cook!). However, I still see some problem areas that I will have to inevitably address at some point:

1. My Clothes
While I did reduce the number of clothes I own I still have a full closets. From the top of my head I can say that I own at least 7 coats and jackets (including a lab coat?) and more sweaters than I can possibly wear. I did create some capsules for winter and summer clothes, but I think there is still lots of room for improvement. There are clothes that I don't really like but that I'm struggling to part with either because they are nice or because they were gifts. 

2. My Bathroom
I have these cubes that hold all of my bathroom essentials. However, my apartment being quite tiny, I'd love to find a more elegant way to organize my stuff so that the bathroom doesn't feel as crammed. Also, how many towels does one really need? I think I have at least a dozen which hardly makes sense. 

3. My Bed
I'm really in a love-hate relationship with my bed. Some days I just want to snuggle up all day - to the point of considering moving my TV to the bedroom. Other days the wooden frame, the dust under the bed and most importantly the (sweat?) stains on my mattress make me want to yeet the bed out of the window and get myself one of those Japanese Tatami Mats instead. So what's keeping me from doing that? Probably not wanting to look like a complete slob who sleeps on the floor. 

4. My Desk
Probably the most cluttered area because I still don't know what to do with my office supplies that I use regularly. I don't particularly want boxes on my table but I'm still looking for a solution to this problem. 

Back to work!

Day 128 - Second Semester - First Year

 I started my Ph.D. in marketing 128 day ago. I've completed by first semester and although I'm still waiting for my grades, my second semester has started.

As part of my program, I'm supposed to muster up a first year project which might be published if I'm lucky. I started off my general quest for an interesting phenomenon by stating to myself that I was interested in food marketing. This really was one of those spontaneous decisions that I made, and I'm starting to seriously pay the price for it. 

I remember during the first days of meeting my supervisor, he asked me "so what exactly interests you about food marketing?". I must quite shamefully admit that I had no answer to that question, which resulted in an awkward pause and a bullshit answer that I can't even remember. Despite that botched interview, I still got my acceptance letter and here I am dong a PhD in the middle of a worldwide pandemic. 

Over numerous meetings, I was able to somewhat narrow down my research interest to the interaction between two groups of people, vegans and anti-vegans. By anti-vegans I mean of course anyone that makes it their business to speak openly against vegans. What really piqued my interest is the simple question "why?". Why do these people care what vegans put in their mouth? Why bother generate the memes? In my struggle to understand whether hating on vegans was a hobby or an integral part of their personality (identity?) I was also presented with institutional theory (market formation). For some reason I latched on to that theory. Perhaps because it was presented in a well-written article that I didn't find too boring or because I just paid more attention to it during my marketing strategy course. Regardless of the reason, I now had to combine institutional theory with the concept of conflicts between consumer groups. 

My supervisor provided me with a couple articles about consumer-driven market formation. I was able to classify them into two broad categories: Conflictual Market Formation and Non-conflictual Market Formation. While both groups referred to conflicts in the market between groups of consumers, none of the articles actually defined the term conflict. Every single paper referred to an ideological disagreement as conflict. However, merely identifying a disparity between the beliefs of two groups does not necessarily point to a conflict. Typically, a conflict between two groups will have some belief that propels the group into a conflict: (1) superiority, (2) injustice, (3) vulnerability, (4) distrust, (5) helplessness (Eidelson and Eidelson, 2003). From the articles my supervisors gave me which included conflict, two of them dealt with the fashion industry (Dolbec and Fischer, 2015; Scaraboto and Fischer, 2013), one was about organic farming (Martin and Schouten, 2014) and I took the liberty of adding another about music piracy (Geisler, 2008 and 2012). The premise of all the articles is the same: conflict in the market has lead to the creation or the expansion of a market. While the fashion and music articles were clear cases of injustice (illegal music downloads and amateur fashion reporters) and vulnerability (fatshionistas), the organic farming article only vaguely mentioned the possibility of the conflict stemming from superiority.

Referring this back to my projects on vegans, I quickly came to the conclusion that I have no idea what phase this conflict is in. However, because of the nature of the vegan ideology, I believe there are multiple levels of conflicts that exist. Each level has the potential to cause conflicts not only between groups of consumers, but also between consumers and producers. Theoretically, I would find it interesting to identify the specific beliefs that propel conflicts with vegans and various consumer groups. Then, I would link observable actions to those beliefs which would allow me to maybe link the vegan conflict to a specific phase (shock, drama, crisis, reconstitution, institutionalization, maintenance) and finally, I would like to examine how all of these actions bundled together affect the existing (growing?) market for vegan food. Practically, I have no idea how to do this.